How to Survive a Trip to a Dive Bar

Toby Keith’s famous, twangy 2003 song “I Love This Bar” is about a mythical water hole frequented by yuppies, bikers, thirsty hitchhikers, pretty girls, fist fighters, early birds, and all-nighters, who drink beer from mason jars. Well, whether you live in a small rural town, or been to Denver’s Coyote Ugly or Tilted Kilt, you know exactly the kind of place Keith is referring to.

The fact of the matter is, Keith’s real-life Massachusetts bar named after his song has gained a notoriety for having its patrons arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol (DUI). Seems the police took Keith’s boozy tune to task and put a microscope on his bar to take a closer look. The truth is real-life law enforcement (LE) officers hone in on those real-life dive bars, or those bars with rowdy reputations, that tend to fill up police quotas and jails with drunks caught driving when they leave, or the bar closes.

What Are The Defining Qualities of a ‘Last Call’ Dive Bar?

How to Survive a Trip to a Dive Bar | Boulder DUI Attorney

Let’s take a look at some traditional qualities that denote those ‘Last Call’ dive bars. We’ve compiled a list based on our own visits and observations to some of Colorado’s shadiest water holes:

• At the top of the list, last call/dive bars typically remain open until the state mandated curfew time of 2 a.m. There was an attempt to pass legislation in 2014 to extend the curfew to 4:30 a.m., but that was shot down by Colorado legislators.
• Drinks are cheap, and there’s a solid, well-defined happy hour.
• The main regularly scheduled event is the “Wet T-Shirt Contest.”
• The place either smells like stale beer or bleach from being mopped, so you can’t smell the beer soaked floor. Sometimes, there’s about a 1-inch thick sheet of smashed peanut shells on the floor that have soaked up the beer, so that it’s not sticky – just soggy.
• They serve free samples of locally brewed beer and/or distilled spirits. This ingenious marketing ploy will usually shame the patron into buying a drink or pint of what they are sampling.
• The bar has a rewards program, like Old Chicago’s World Beer Tour rewards program and rewards card.
• There’s tons of Harley Davidson motorcycles parked out front.
• The walls are littered with posters of half-naked women holding beers or pitchers of beer, and lots of neon beer signs.
• They regularly have Olympia, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Coors or Coors Light, and Budweiser or Bud Light on tap.
• The graffiti on the walls in the bathroom is actually interesting and quite colorful.
• There’s no door on the bathroom stall, so anyone walking in will see you taking care of business.
• There’ a jackalope or some kind of taxidermy hanging from the ceiling or on the wall.
• There is an old jukebox with hundreds of rock classics on it, like Van Morrison’s “Gloria,” Jet’s “Are You Gonna Be My Girl?” George Thorogood’s “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer,” Billy Joel’s “Piano Man,” The Doors “Roadhouse Blues,” Guns n’ Roses “Welcome To The Jungle,” and Lynyrd Sknyrd’s “FreeBird.”

How to Survive a Visit to A Dive Bar

So, after reading the above list you discover that you are in fact at a dive bar or frequent one. Well, then, here’s some sage advice on surviving your encounter at the establishment:

• Lower Expectations – Don’t set your expectation too high. For instance, don’t expect great service. A bar fight after 10 p.m. isn’t entirely out of the question. And, it might actually smell like someone is smoking, even though it’s against the law. Whatever you do, don’t look around to find out who it is, either.
• Mind Your Manners – They probably won’t serve Tuaca, sangria, or mimosas, so just order something simple like a screwdriver, or a whiskey and Coke. Don’t put down the service. And, don’t stare at the Hells Angels playing pool. If a fight does break out, back up to a wall and follow it to the nearest exit.
• Dress Accordingly – Blue jeans, tennis shoes, and T-shirt are the best possible attire for dive bars. If you dressed a little nicer, then consider throwing on a windbreaker, in the event you get beer splashed on you.
• Don’t Eat the Food – If you are hungry, then take it to an all-night café, like Perkins.
• Don’t Go Alone – This is the golden rule. It’s never a good idea to hit a dive bar by yourself. The old saying, ‘there’s strength in numbers’ is quintessential when visiting one of these places.
• Don’t Drive – Last, but not least. Don’t drive yourself to a dive bar, because you’ve just increased the probability that you’ll get a DUI, if you drink and drive home. Call a cab or Uber, and avoid one of the costliest mistakes you’ll even make. Trust us, police strategically stake out these bars just to pick out drunk drivers.

Contact a Boulder DUI Attorney at Peter Loyd Weber & Associates

Did you get pulled over after leaving a dive bar after last call? Were you charged with driving under the influence of alcohol (DUI)? If so, contact an experienced Boulder DUI Attorney at Peter Loyd Weber & Associates. A DUI can have a lasting impact on your life. Peter Loyd Weber & Associates devote most of their practice to helping those who face DUI charges. We take a compassionate approach with our clients, but we fight aggressively for their rights and justice. We’ll go the extra mile to reduce or get charges dismissed, so that you get the best possible outcome.

It’s important that you find a knowledgeable and experienced Boulder DUI attorney to begin building your defense case as soon as possible. Call us today at (720) 863-7755 or email us using the contact form on this page, so we can explain how our services can help your case. Our first meeting is free and with no-obligation, so you can get to know us and what we offer.